Shares of Bootstrap, Inc. (NASDAQ: BOOT) surged to another all-time high today, as the company announced that it's eliminating all American jobs and shifting production to countries without a minimum wage.
Bootstrap's previous record high was reached only a few weeks ago, when a bipartisan budget agreement in Washington ended benefits for the long-term unemployed. Investors bet that jobless Americans being told to "pull themselves up by their bootstaps" would lead to a surge in revenue for the company.
That bet is already paying off. Now, according to CEO Dick Richman, Bootstrap is close to securing a deal with Congress for the long-term unemployed to be provided with a special voucher -- to buy bootstraps by which they can magically pull themselves up out of poverty. "Instead of giving people money which they will spend on drugs and caviar, we need to give them opportunity," said Richman, who took home a bonus last year worth 10 billion kajillion bazillion sha-sha-sha-shillion dollars, more than all other employees of his company combined.
Richman points to his own life as an example of how it's possible to become successful after falling upon hard times. His previous career was as a megachurch pastor, but he was fired for embezzling money from the congregation. Then Richman began a new career in the financial sector, where he found that his actions were seen as routine, even celebrated. He is also the author of the bestselling book, The Gospel According to Rand, which depicts a jackbooted Jesus stomping on the faces of the poor while laughing maniacally.
According to Richman, Bootstrap's next step is to replace all remaining jobs -- even the ones overseas -- with robots. "Our goal is to create a business model where only one man makes all the money," he says. "All of it." Shareholders are loving this CEO's philosophy and bidding up the company's stock.
"If you're one of those long-term unemployed, your only way out might be buying shares in BOOT. Hurry up! Buy buy buy!!!" said a foaming-at-the mouth investment analyst on the popular TV show Insane Gains.
It remains unclear, however, whether the bill now working its way through Congress will allow recipients of the new "bootstrap benefits package" -- the replacement for long-term unemployment insurance -- to use part of those funds to buy Bootstrap stock. "That's what we're lobbying for," said Dick Richman. "And we think this will pass with bipartisan support." Records show that most members of Congress own shares of BOOT, so he's probably right.